Gazing out about, You catch my eye. A shining pearl, In the ocean of life. The colony in my head, A shrine in your name. And the facts about you, Take a page or two. All I know is, A face to the name. Rest just gleaned, In passing or more. Is this a crush? This ardent desire. Curiosity, an alias, My unknown attire. Years past, I think of you. A slow realisation, Hours-long rumination. The internet called it, A ‘platonic attraction’. And I claim this, A case of ‘Can we be friends?’
This time, I’ll call…
Let me put it out there.
I have phone anxiety.
One of my worst fears in a day is to hear the ringtone of my phone, trilling away cheerfully.
That’s going to be a missed call.
Obviously.
My procedure for returning a call is equivalent to last-minute preparation for an exam.
I have to create and playback the conversation in my head, put on a smile in my voice, and convince myself that the floor is not caving beneath my feet as I make the call.
It is kind of silly how a single phone call feels like the Judgement Day.
So, with this anxiety eating up my insides, I have been pondering on ways to ease off the anxiousness, ’cause baby steps, right?
And today, I have emerged a winner!
At the very least, an upper hand in this situation, I guess?
I CALLED A FRIEND.
And the heavens haven’t unleashed the Apocalypse yet!
It was LIBERATING!
We talked a lot, and though there were slight hitches, it went great. There were no awkward silences or scavenger hunts inside my head for conversation starters.
We were both glad to have that talk. And boy, was it long!
I am a person who always prefers texts, and may still continue to do so. But I think today has changed my perceptions and fears regarding initiating phone calls.
So though the ringtone may put me out of my wits for a few seconds or so, and the calls may still be deliberately missed, this time, I’ll call.
The Race Called Life
The dream fades, Glimpsed a shadow, Scalded. Weathered face, All ages past. Clammy palms, Begins the race. No end in sight, Run, run and run. Till the poles and back, Jump the gun. Fall on your back, Drink in the night. The vast expanse, Why await the light.
The Power of a ‘NO’
So long, Almost forgotten! Raked through the graves, My mind, this one. Years ago, Gazing out the window. A bobbing head, The day, simply magnificent. A sudden squeeze, In the side to my left. I looked up, Saw a smile and a test. The beginning, A brief exchange. Of names and jobs, Interests and days. “Would you like a drink”, he asks, A polite decline “No thanks.” Never realised, It was the start. A game of charades, Bounced back and forth. Pressure ran high, Refusals piled nie. Streets flew past, And I, frozen in time. “For the last time, I’ll ask, Just this once?” In reply, bade goodbye, And wished him lies. Now the memory so faded, Deny, deny! The rejections all jaded, I wonder, just why? A ‘NO’ not worthy, In it’s own right.
A fish out of water
Oh man, there are countless times to choose from!
Most social gatherings bring out the imposter in me.
Though, now I am learning to enjoy being myself in such moments. The awkward silences and uncomfortable stances. All of that.
Food helps, in most instances.
There was a time in high school, when I felt particularly invisible.
Amidst friends, I felt it wouldn’t be out of place, even if I wouldn’t be there, with them, in those moments.
An epiphany for the 17-yr old me.
Labyrinth of the Night
Stroking the edge, The world twisted. The clock ringing, Gears shifted. The reality, A dystopian fantasy. Crafted with their tears, A bleak fallacy. It’s a long fall, To the centre of the earth. And the shattered glass, All crystal clear. Darkness awaits, Sleep, an untold luxury. Lurking shadows wake, Raging battle, claiming stakes. Prancing on the walls, The moonlight mocks. Springs creak, And the rooster speaks.
A Getaway Car from ‘Back to December’ – August 18, 2023
Scouring the internet, I’m enchanted, alright! My days, simply beautiful, The credits, all yours. Your music, Serenade my hours. Gorgeous, It’s never enough. I found a lover, In your ‘Cruel Summer’ The august in passing, A loop of repeats & shuffle. Oh dear, how far I’ve fallen! Evermore, a rabbit hole. A beautiful love story, My first song of yours. Sparks fly, I await in line. ‘Cause does it matter, being first or last? This being our song, The Story of Us.
Thank You for the Memories
From the moment we crossed paths, It has been a trance. Dented at the edges, It is all good now. Smiles and laughter, Coursed the crevices of my heart. How astounding it was! Unspooling joy in your paths. Thank you for the wonder, The brief moments we shared. Thank you for the memories, The roller coaster of emotions, Your gift to me. Here comes summer, Piercing warmth and light. Nursing a broken heart, Red-rimmed, puffy eyes. Trudging through the mundane days, Propelled by life. Your whispers linger, Etched into the fabric of my mind. It has been a ride! Fleeting yet profound. Thank you for being my cherished one, This time with you, The pleasure’s all mine.
“I Rather We…”
I rather we never met Tired of picking up pieces, A heart that no longer fits. Better we never crossed paths, If then, maybe, You would be alive.
Revived by the Sun
Sunlight pierces through, The earth shines bright. Thy pain, them brown leaves scattered, Carved into my bones, Pinpricks of life eternal.
A Fleeting Farewell
The times spent, Quickly fade. The moment has come, To leave the train. Many a time, Without a turn of a head. A quick departure, A life to get with ahead. No goodbyes, no replies, It's all for the best, A new reality to accept.
A Lullaby to the Soul
Embraced by the murky waters, My struggles ceasing. Waves surging, A sweet lullaby crooning. All darkness vanish, The nightmares not weary, Calm at the eye of the hurricane. Bobbing at the surface, Silent and still, I am content.
The Aftermath of an Argument
War of words, Casualties strewn. Wounds deep, Teary-eyed soon. Turmoil within, Inferno burning. Hot anger spewing, An erupted volcano smoldering.
Guns ‘N Roses
Cannons, no pun, Cock the guns! Shoot a flower, Towards the sun. Countless lives lost, Shall a war suffice? How long is the wait, For peace denied.
Me, Myself & I
I held myself, In my arms, Hugged myself tight, Thanks for the fight! Heartbeats stutter, The world out of sight. At last, it was, Just me, myself and I.
Scissors and Whispers
In a fit of anger,
Locks fell free.
'Snip, snap, snip snap',
Sneered at me.
Girl in the mirror gasped,
The terror her actions wrought.
A sword at her neck,
Scissors drew along.
With mismatched ends,
The sides too long.
'How will you face everyone?'
'It was such a mess!'
Her head held high,
She whispered, 'Just stay quiet!'
For, no one shall glance,
At the invisible child.
Shadows and Light
I found Kindness, Kneeling at the corner. With grimy fingers feeding, A kitten, half bleeding. And Grief, I uncovered, Flowing unbound. A murder of crows gathered, Along the electric pole.
Tangled Desires
So close, Our eyelashes touch Mind racing at a thousand miles, My heart standstill, Radio silence. Cannot let go, Your warmth has grown on me. Drawn like a moth to flame. I yearn to feel the pain.
Echoes of Dread
When did it begin? It matters not. When fear gnawed at my veins, Made home within my bones. I conjured them all, Countless beginnings to the end. The conclusions I drew, All pointed to death. ‘Tick, tock’, blared the clock, And spawns of many horrors spewed forth. My imagination, my ally, Now wielded her sword. My calls, unattended, Each passing moment, a new revelation. A knock at the door, I gazed through the hole, ‘Here they are!’ My breaths commenced. No, it was nothing much, Just the theatrics in my head.
The Meanderings of a Meditative Session
For the past few days, I have being engaging in meditation sessions, to center myself, and, to lay the foundation for mental strength. During these moments, I try to imagine myself as a mountain, or, immerse myself in a naturesque scene, to make some semblance of inner peace.
However, I must admit, my mind tends to wander, and, I get caught up in thoughts painfully insignificant – fleeting remarks or snippets of conversations, that affect me more than I’d like to admit or care. Sometimes, I wonder, if the social environment has unconsciously influenced my thoughts and views more than I anticipated. Although unintentional, I’ve always held myself in high regard, when it comes to being influenced by societal norms and cultural pressures. Nevertheless, my goal is to remain open-minded and considerate of others’ opinions while forming my own conclusions and hypotheses, rather than blindly adopting their beliefs and thoughts.
I aspire to be grounded and humble, before the vast universe, and the undiscovered wisdom that humanity is yet to stumble upon, to be kind and compassionate to all beings, irrespective of their origin.
I want to cultivate gratitude for everything I have, recognizing that my actions, alone, may not be enough to influence the world significantly. However, if I can bring joy or comfort to at least one person, that would be fulfilling enough – a testament to the worth of the life I lead.
Hide and Seek
My all-time favourite, The game of hide 'n seek; Running for cover, In the fortress of my insecurities. Though hope A sliver, lingered; For a single soul Searching, never wavering. A short while, Impatient, giggles stifled Years pass No one peeking; There, I learned, To seek myself.
Nurturing Life
Gardening was a little something that I took up, during a bout of examinations, to distract myself from distractions.
Though there have been days, when I neglected to water them, I think, I experienced a semblance of the emotions of a parent, on spotting the shoots, peeping out of the soil, like Curious George.
The feeling sprouting in your heart, as you watch them grow taller and stronger, is nothing short of joy, at the sight of a creation, nurtured by you.
The Dichotomy of Dreams
End of the World
The clock struck twelve And I awaited for, The end of the world; On the winter night of December twenty-one. The newspapers swamped; Headlines read "The Day of Judgement". Mayan calendars and evangelists' promised; The beginning to the end as surely prophesied! Night fell, Stirring up a frenzy; Yet, the sun rose, And, all breathed a sigh of relief. Hugged and smiled, Friends and strangers; Crestfallen, I cried, And the year came to an end.
Turning over a new leaf
It is difficult, indeed, to initiate new rituals; a change from the monotonous routines of our lives.
Let me correct myself, starting is not the tough part. It is the consistent effort to carry it to fruition, the lofty mountains before our eyes, which is tiring. Most of us give up on our resolutions for that very reason.
Though, every day is a new beginning, it is troublesome to let go of our behaviors with that thought. Because, it is cultivated, and, is a process that takes time.
And, we love instant results.
For instance, yesterday night, under the influence of the latest manga I had been pouring over the past hour, I decided to practice determination and steadfastness.
It would be an overestimation to say that, I, have a dollop of the same. To those who want to assure me otherwise, I still regret my report card in seventh grade, which mentions my strength as determination, because, my teacher, conveniently, trusted my abilities to recognize them accurately. For, since then, as a testimony to my capabilities, I have constantly been proven, that, I lack determination, like I lack ambition.
Considering the first day is fleshing out quite well, I can only hope, that, this trend continues, until, I no longer anguish over that one report card.
A Daily Dose of Ramble 